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Never good enough.

In life, have you ever felt proud of yourself? Confident? That for the first time you are loveable? Yeah i did, until now. collectively the amount of times my boyfriend has compared me to another girl or tried to very well change something about me is getting beyond a joke.

First one- deb. i admit i cannot dance well especially the cha- cha but come on! It is hard and he's not going too well either. He said "i wish i asked ___ to the deb instead so we could actually do the dance" ___ = person x. X is a good dancer, she;s amazing! but really? ask her? Well for one i asked him soo confidence down the drain and he took it as a joke and didnt even feel like he had done any damage to me and tried to be all cuddle and kisses, seriously just piss off!

Second- (very recently) i have said i wanted to be a blonde so he's been pressuring me to go blonde and yes his last crushes most blonde, so then since he knows i'm not now, he's been trying to get me to get tips. Still in the hair sector, he saw me a few years back with a fringe, since he's been trying very hard to convince me to get it back, why? They're cute.... oh so not cute enough? 

Without going through all the moment these ones have hurt me a lot. Yes it seemed like a joke but he said it seriously and acted distant after and my hair? you never tell a girl how to do her own hair!!!! He has the most horrific hair yet i dont change him, i just let him be how he is. Its not fair. I just don't seem to be good enough for just about any boy, ever. Might just give up, why not? After all no point getting my heart hurt anymore.

She's everywhere, like my own angelic shadow

Every boy, she's there. 

She: A blonde, wavy hair with blue eyes, fair skin and perfect lips. 
Me : brown hair with the darkest brown eyes, fair skin, smallest lips and quite nice curly hair.

Year 8, after being fucked over by a boy, he is with her.
 Year 9: the boy i wanted so bad, my first love, their friendship blooms
Year 10: ex boyfriend and her are flirting like crazy.
I couldn't stand it, it was so angering i knew the one boy to turn to,  he was the boy she drove insane so with both of us in annoyance decided to have a little fun and then naturally with my luck, my dirty little secret was found out by the school. so my only response was little bit of fun between two friends. Even though for me it was some excitment from my constant heart break and to get the attention of my ex and almost a bit of pay back to her and for him needing some cheering up from breaking up with his love. 
year 11: my now boyfriend, once had a crush on her, okay i thought she is quite pretty no pattern and now for our media, he turns to her to be his actress, the girl he always turns to when it comes to film and photograph. It's like she is the shadow that comes out to play when i'm not looking. I dont understand this crazy pattern and it's starting to scare me. He not once asks me to be his actress and he had to write a song about her for his media and what does he say: it was the easiest piece he ever wrote. So she is: his actress and muse. What am i? the one who gives him attention when she does not? Am i just a worthless life form that draws each boy to her through my relationship with him?

I realise she sounds like an evil demon right now, truth is she is very nice but it's scares me so much how this pattern comes, no she isnt after my seconds but it's like she's waiting for me to leave so she can come or im like the tester for the guy or every guy wants her and im just the for now type. It makes me so confused and upset and although i know how crazy this sounds and how jealous this seems but in all honesty im just scared to lose what i have.

Trapped by Manipulation

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Debbing it up

Next year for me will be my deb. Originally i wasn't planning on going to get out of going with this guy who didn't understand personal space and told me too many dirty jokes for me to understand he had a big crush. But then i started being playful with this guy because he locked me out of my emails and eventually we decided to go together. We have arranged to arrive in Harley Davidson just because we can and i think this dude is pretty awesome. As a kid i loved spanish guys and he is spanish, and plays the guitar, and is really smart and funny. I think im going to have a lot of fun for this. Also quite possibly have found Mr Right :)

To be loved? Or to love?

Which is the better option? Well i say that neither is good by itself and that it why people complain when they have just the one. Sometimes i wonder which i would prefer, if i have to choose. I know which i would prefer if i take a moment to think about it but then its because of my experiences in the area. a love never returned. what about someone that hasn't loved? Then would they choose to love? It all depends on how you see everything.

Love with me
Sometimes i wonder, am i even lovable? All those who do at first run away, they don't stick around to really see me, they see one little aspect that isn't that relevant to my personality and head for the freeway. Sometimes i wonder if my personality is unlovable or those guys are just poo heads. Love when it is in purest form can hurt you, burn you or make you. Loving someone and being loved back has a pretty awesome feeling but when its a one way road it can be devastating. I don't think humans were meant to ever feel this emotion of love, but it seems we have found a way to. Initially it was always about survival and reproduction. which we now like to call a slut or player when, in reality, they are the most true to nature and we are the most off. Society is formed by materialistic obligation and things and even our very being has become that way too. So when people say love is everything it is not true in anyway, feeling cared for is one thing but not love. Love today is confused with lust and has lost its meaning. 

I want to be cared for by a significant other but it seems that day is never to come. The guy i like has no interest in me, the guy i trusted to be eachothers source of entertainment has reached his course and nothing i say interests him. The only one i have are my best of friends and dad. perhaps i am meant to be an independent dog lady, but is that so bad? My own confusion ceases to be settled.


Mum and Boy Trouble

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1-4 of 4 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Never good enough., posted August 12th, 2013
She's everywhere, like my own angelic shadow, posted June 7th, 2013
Trapped by Manipulation, posted January 30th, 2013
Debbing it up, posted November 9th, 2012
To be loved? Or to love?, posted October 25th, 2012
Mum and Boy Trouble, posted October 24th, 2012

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